feeling angry and upset

Its suddenly hit me i'm a failure. for my entire school life my goal was always university and it is just hitting me now when i hear everyone talking about who they have seen around uni that i realise that i fucked up big time and yet again find myself in that weird place where i have these uncontrolable crying fits, i guess another thing i'm paying for is my decision not to place a seas application in for a derived VCE result i'm sorry but i dont believe the country deserves this whole thing about rural areas we dont miss out on much at all sure it costs us more to travel to melbourne to go to lectures but come on thats about it. i find it to be a form of cheating and then all those random people who put in other things including that they are suffering in the family home. oh sweet can i put down that i've been depressed for 10 years or that my dad still struggles with the fact my mum left all those years ago and that i still have trouble dealing with it NO no i can't it was too long ago well wait a minute it could have affected the all of my other school years but no in the year it counts the most nothing that has happened can have an effect on my score unless it happened the year you do your vce.

i scored myself a car a car my mum is buying me that she doesn't like that she is always going to complain about your all thinking sweet your parents are actually buying you a car. well for the shit that my mum has done to me over the years emotionally i fucking deserve more than that. years of torment because food was my comfort when my mum left and at that age healthy eating isn't something you know much about hows about this i find out my mums gay from a kid who is picking on me whose mum knew and told her. hows about the dickhead mrs next door who knew exactly where my mum was but decided it would be fun to torture an 8 year old. then there is losing every friend i had. then my mum deciding that out of no where she is going to stop helping me and my dad survive she likes to throw things like that in so that she can see us struggle and be above my dad. i hope she realises i there is nothing she can do that will put her in my favour my dad doesn't work anymore because when mum and dad where together they sent me to childcare and me being me i annoyed the carers and made scene whenever i was dropped off. so he quit his job to take care of me and sharon. when mum left dad ghot depressed too and he then gained weight and a serious back problem which stops him from getting work and he stayed out of work to make sure his 2 daughters came home to a nice clean house and had tea on the table. we moved from melbourne for mum for her work and see leaves us within 8 years leaving us stuck down here. man it pisses me off so much

i've also noticed a change it things i think its finally hit me that tash now lives in melbourne and the only person i have to talk to is emily and she would prefer to be with chris instead of around me or talking to me damn i would prefer to be with anybody else but myslef i'm not interesting i'm boring i act like an idiot so people will do something around me laugh or make faces whatever acting like a smart person who has feelings results in me being alone. i would drop everything to help out a friend if i was sick i would take there call i would listen to there problems i would do whatever was required but when i need someone to talk to just to listen to my problems i'm alone writing it all on a blog that is only going to be read by emily one of the people i've just co,mplained about oh well i think its time for me to change friends i've changed a lot already this year

i've started to do what i say i'm going to do and that for the past 2 weeks has been to clean the rooms that need cleaning while dad is at work. i've also made calls that need to be made and contacted whoever needs to be contacted. so why not do a change up of friends. maybe i'll be able to find some people who will listen to me when i need to talk. hey em i realise you may have a headache and that you didn't want to talk but your phone came up with a message saying you were talking to someone not that normal message you get when your phones out of range. i may act stupidly but guess this shock horror i'm a smart person who absolutly can not stand being lied to and can't lie to save her life or job.

in some other random news the stokes First impression of earth is fanastic as is anything stokes related and james blunt's chasing time: the bedlame sessions is great for every james lover as it comes complete with a dvd of a perform at the BBC and videos for the songs, behind the scenes, interview photogallery and documentry. well worth a purchase and a viewing or 50 million( notice the exaggeration) well adios readers i'm out of here to either go to bed listen to music watch american chopper fight my cat or sit outside in the dark listening to music. also james blunt is doing a tour of australian as is HIM if you were lucky enough to get tickets to HIM (it was only today i found out they were coming) then hope its great i'd think it would be. go see james tickets are still available for the melbourne show at festival hall on the 15th of april through www.ticketmaster.com.au one sydney show is sold out but another has been announced tickets for brisbane and sydney are available through www.tickettek.com.au more info can also be found at www.frontiertouring.com.au

well i'm done here Catch ya for real. em if you read this between now and when we are meant to be bowling i will not be attending and good luck finding a ride to and fro i will be of no assistance. might see you at dex.

I got my learners permit lalalala

ok it only took me about 2 years longer than the rest but i went for my L's and got them sweet as i can now drive with a supervising driver and my mum is going to buy me a car. ok in the randomness that occurs in my life and those of my friends. all day yesterday well all the time i was hanging out with Tash we were on like the same wave length or something and then today i tell emily about this song by treble charger called american psycho turns out its a song that was originally done by the misfits, em's band of the moment. so weird. i had lunch with sharon today it was a lot of fun we just talked and stuff she had to take me to vic roads but it was good to hang out with her. i had the two best drinks today first one was a cream cola by cascade a nice drop i must say i quit enjoyed it and then some other random sunrise drink twas very enjoyable.

i am enrolled in tafe

he he i'm enrolled in the CVI writing course at TAFE but i am already suffering from a fear like feeling i am enrolled to do it online
more to come later

more pictures

Stolen from random sites including www.funnyjunk.com

SPIKE has

Returned hoorah talk about relief casually strolls into the fly screen and wacks it a few times with his head. feed me and then he rans away from me. currently i'm chatting to emmy-faye deciding that its time for me to have a shower but i can't until 12 cause i'm listening to radio bam. em violin+rock songs = YELLOWCARD. he he. Yellowcard. well i rang gippstafe today and they have said that i can have an interview today or tomorrow i choose tomorrow cause dad will be able to take me over. i have to ring up and make an appointment later for an interview and then i have to find 3 writing samples. hello steal from blog and big mouth i'm on my way. i'll steal a good piece an emotional piece.anyway i'm out and cobras photo doesn't count em

i never win

i never win in the game of life things are starting to look good and now i can't find spike. now for those of you who know me you know how much he means to me. well anyway i left him out of the house at noon and its now 1 am and i haven't seen or heard him at all so i am freaking out its isn't like my lovely cat to do that. i got a call about the traineeship this afternoon and i am one of six applicants that were sent to the school to be chosen so this is good anyway i'm going to go and watch american chopper while i freak out about spike.

Cert IV = not being taught this year

Crap I wanted to do that course can't now because they decided they didn't want to teach it anymore. crap crap shit crap. damn it back to the drawing board again glad i called them to find out what was happening. now i wait on news of the traineeship. i should look into doing the course with gipps Tafe as they offer it but require sample pieces and will most likely require me to attend the TAFe a few times a week which might cause some problems. Gippstafe offers the course but i now need to talk to my mum and figure out an action plan. she is probably out to lunch. i might try calling again later or catch her tonight. ok now in other news i also rang abotu the traineeship but the guy presently isn't available. now all thats left is to find a job or at least look for one mr pizza is after people go team go. well i'm going to make one more phone call. i love how mixed up this is blog is. i am applying for a job at a pizza place. crazy insane. isn't it funny when the important phone numbers are busy such as centrelink and vicroads the crazyness of it all. come on em hurry up. bahh haha. emily you ran away. bahhhh*daggers*
he he. happy face. i have a secret that only i know

Ha ha the crazyness continues

BORROWED FROM RANDOM SITES MOST ARE FEATURED ON THE TOOLBAR TO THE RIGHT

Visit them they all rock cept maybe google news

DECISION TIME

ok today was the day i was meant to enrol in the open uni bachelor of communication course. i changed my mind yet again another indecision on my part. its destroying me because i keep getting stressed. well at least this time i had arranged for my mum to come over and help me to enrol so she showed up and i told her that i didn't know whether doing the course was the right idea that and i had overheard my sister and my dad talking about how they didn't think i could do it. so my mum todl me to look towards TAFE and do a Cert 4 in something so i can get into uni next year possibly doing journalism. which was the main goal in the beginning i emailed them about all the info on the course cause it lacked info on the website and i dont have the guide. anyway after sending that email off the next thing i did was apply for a traineeship in information technology. the best way to make serious cash these days and a field that has a lot fo opening. there is a future in it. i emailed off that as well and all i have to do is tomorrow make sure i call to check that these emails were recieved. you can't win if your not in it and if you dont ge the place at least you have tried and there is nothing else that can be done

of recent weeks while i deal with these decisions i have started to come up with a shit load of advice for everyone around me but am yet to really take any of it hopefully it has helped someone else.

tomorrow i also have to ring Vicroads and book in for my learners permit.

anyway its time for me to go and watch some TV i think its time to return to an old favourite dvd of mine. Tony Hawks Skatepark tour 2002 with the fanastic Colin McKay the dudes funny and it can't be denied add to that BAm Margera, Bucky Lasek and a shit load of others.

Also its time for some more photo fun. Emily your slagging aready. i shall keep all you readers out there informed as to how things go. adios.

The dogs have buck teeth weird or whatMr Peanut
A Heap of snow Plows
Tweak and Cartman

bull Getting revenge or stupid people

i'm gunna win this if it kills me

Take note of the white near the black on his pants. hello mr bush your fly is open

miss piggy you saucy minx

Ok so i've been lazy

well the fire is undercontrol no problem anymore. last i heard they were looking for the bastard/ bastards that lit the fire they probably won't find them but you never know. i would like to tell smokes that throwing the butt of your cigarette out your car window isn't exactly smart. come on its like still lit and smoking when you throw it hello thats what starts grass fires you dumb fucks. sorry heat of the moment i've had a drink of coke to cool me down.

well at the lovely time of 2 am this morning i decided what i plan to do this year sure there are only 11 months left but anyway. i'm going to do a bachelor of communications through griffith university in queensland. yesi live in victoria but the good thing is i can stay here and do it entirely through the mail and internet so yeah. while studying i will be looking for a job so i can get my life going and start living life as an adult. sweet fun for me. its taken me sometime to decide on thursday i freaked out cause i had no idea what i was going to do and i couldn't find a purpose to live. at that time all i could think of was american chopper. sad i know and then yesterday i spent the evening with the gang sitting around the round about and remembered how great they are and now i have gotten things sorted out so all is really good and i'm happy and not freaking out and breaking down into random crying fits. its great i would like to thank all my friends for putting up with me and all my self centred ness for the past few weeks everything should get back to normal soon. Another thing that helped me to decide what to do was that if i studied at home i could take care of the house while dad is at work which would stop him from stressing so much about the cleanliness of our house. i could also cook tea for him so he doesn't have to and yeah it would just be so much better and then i could find a job to do part time to add some money to help out with the bills and that also lifting some unnessecary stress from my dad. em, chris and alburee will still be around so there will be plenty of people to still have fun with.

Tash gave me some great advice this morning about setting small goals. which for me this week have been cook tea and do the washing and the dishes which i have done this week yeah for the team of me. i dont really hate doing housework but its kind of hard to to get me motivated but i did and this shows me that i should also be able to do the required amount of work for uni and should be able to disciplin myself to actually do it.

not much else has been happening apart from me figuring out what to do. oh yeah i also mowed the lawns did a radio show with tash the first time we have done a show in 2 weeks she was in melbourne one week and then the other week i was at home sick. so yeah. i also went to teej's party and it was ok the round about gang had a sugar picnic under the clothes line. that was fun. ummm what else briany got the internet and em and i are having a picture competition to see who can get the best pictures on there blog. its on biarch i'm gunna beat you down to the ground well i shall neow leave and post some picture and then i'm going to get the washing off the line and do the dishes again. also i finally got a watch band for my baby g watch that has been out of service for abut six months got the band yesterday special order so i'm all happy if this band breaks i'm going to pay about 60 bucks and get one of those metal watch bands cause this band is likely to break like the last one that and the watch looks good with a metal band they actually sell the same watch with a metal band its just at the time that i brought this one they didn't have it how crap and it must now be like 2 years that they've had it at the shop and they haven't reduced the price wow jewellery stores funny places, anyway peace out.