feeling angry and upset
Its suddenly hit me i'm a failure. for my entire school life my goal was always university and it is just hitting me now when i hear everyone talking about who they have seen around uni that i realise that i fucked up big time and yet again find myself in that weird place where i have these uncontrolable crying fits, i guess another thing i'm paying for is my decision not to place a seas application in for a derived VCE result i'm sorry but i dont believe the country deserves this whole thing about rural areas we dont miss out on much at all sure it costs us more to travel to melbourne to go to lectures but come on thats about it. i find it to be a form of cheating and then all those random people who put in other things including that they are suffering in the family home. oh sweet can i put down that i've been depressed for 10 years or that my dad still struggles with the fact my mum left all those years ago and that i still have trouble dealing with it NO no i can't it was too long ago well wait a minute it could have affected the all of my other school years but no in the year it counts the most nothing that has happened can have an effect on my score unless it happened the year you do your vce.
i scored myself a car a car my mum is buying me that she doesn't like that she is always going to complain about your all thinking sweet your parents are actually buying you a car. well for the shit that my mum has done to me over the years emotionally i fucking deserve more than that. years of torment because food was my comfort when my mum left and at that age healthy eating isn't something you know much about hows about this i find out my mums gay from a kid who is picking on me whose mum knew and told her. hows about the dickhead mrs next door who knew exactly where my mum was but decided it would be fun to torture an 8 year old. then there is losing every friend i had. then my mum deciding that out of no where she is going to stop helping me and my dad survive she likes to throw things like that in so that she can see us struggle and be above my dad. i hope she realises i there is nothing she can do that will put her in my favour my dad doesn't work anymore because when mum and dad where together they sent me to childcare and me being me i annoyed the carers and made scene whenever i was dropped off. so he quit his job to take care of me and sharon. when mum left dad ghot depressed too and he then gained weight and a serious back problem which stops him from getting work and he stayed out of work to make sure his 2 daughters came home to a nice clean house and had tea on the table. we moved from melbourne for mum for her work and see leaves us within 8 years leaving us stuck down here. man it pisses me off so much
i've also noticed a change it things i think its finally hit me that tash now lives in melbourne and the only person i have to talk to is emily and she would prefer to be with chris instead of around me or talking to me damn i would prefer to be with anybody else but myslef i'm not interesting i'm boring i act like an idiot so people will do something around me laugh or make faces whatever acting like a smart person who has feelings results in me being alone. i would drop everything to help out a friend if i was sick i would take there call i would listen to there problems i would do whatever was required but when i need someone to talk to just to listen to my problems i'm alone writing it all on a blog that is only going to be read by emily one of the people i've just co,mplained about oh well i think its time for me to change friends i've changed a lot already this year
i've started to do what i say i'm going to do and that for the past 2 weeks has been to clean the rooms that need cleaning while dad is at work. i've also made calls that need to be made and contacted whoever needs to be contacted. so why not do a change up of friends. maybe i'll be able to find some people who will listen to me when i need to talk. hey em i realise you may have a headache and that you didn't want to talk but your phone came up with a message saying you were talking to someone not that normal message you get when your phones out of range. i may act stupidly but guess this shock horror i'm a smart person who absolutly can not stand being lied to and can't lie to save her life or job.
in some other random news the stokes First impression of earth is fanastic as is anything stokes related and james blunt's chasing time: the bedlame sessions is great for every james lover as it comes complete with a dvd of a perform at the BBC and videos for the songs, behind the scenes, interview photogallery and documentry. well worth a purchase and a viewing or 50 million( notice the exaggeration) well adios readers i'm out of here to either go to bed listen to music watch american chopper fight my cat or sit outside in the dark listening to music. also james blunt is doing a tour of australian as is HIM if you were lucky enough to get tickets to HIM (it was only today i found out they were coming) then hope its great i'd think it would be. go see james tickets are still available for the melbourne show at festival hall on the 15th of april through www.ticketmaster.com.au one sydney show is sold out but another has been announced tickets for brisbane and sydney are available through www.tickettek.com.au more info can also be found at www.frontiertouring.com.au
well i'm done here Catch ya for real. em if you read this between now and when we are meant to be bowling i will not be attending and good luck finding a ride to and fro i will be of no assistance. might see you at dex.
i scored myself a car a car my mum is buying me that she doesn't like that she is always going to complain about your all thinking sweet your parents are actually buying you a car. well for the shit that my mum has done to me over the years emotionally i fucking deserve more than that. years of torment because food was my comfort when my mum left and at that age healthy eating isn't something you know much about hows about this i find out my mums gay from a kid who is picking on me whose mum knew and told her. hows about the dickhead mrs next door who knew exactly where my mum was but decided it would be fun to torture an 8 year old. then there is losing every friend i had. then my mum deciding that out of no where she is going to stop helping me and my dad survive she likes to throw things like that in so that she can see us struggle and be above my dad. i hope she realises i there is nothing she can do that will put her in my favour my dad doesn't work anymore because when mum and dad where together they sent me to childcare and me being me i annoyed the carers and made scene whenever i was dropped off. so he quit his job to take care of me and sharon. when mum left dad ghot depressed too and he then gained weight and a serious back problem which stops him from getting work and he stayed out of work to make sure his 2 daughters came home to a nice clean house and had tea on the table. we moved from melbourne for mum for her work and see leaves us within 8 years leaving us stuck down here. man it pisses me off so much
i've also noticed a change it things i think its finally hit me that tash now lives in melbourne and the only person i have to talk to is emily and she would prefer to be with chris instead of around me or talking to me damn i would prefer to be with anybody else but myslef i'm not interesting i'm boring i act like an idiot so people will do something around me laugh or make faces whatever acting like a smart person who has feelings results in me being alone. i would drop everything to help out a friend if i was sick i would take there call i would listen to there problems i would do whatever was required but when i need someone to talk to just to listen to my problems i'm alone writing it all on a blog that is only going to be read by emily one of the people i've just co,mplained about oh well i think its time for me to change friends i've changed a lot already this year
i've started to do what i say i'm going to do and that for the past 2 weeks has been to clean the rooms that need cleaning while dad is at work. i've also made calls that need to be made and contacted whoever needs to be contacted. so why not do a change up of friends. maybe i'll be able to find some people who will listen to me when i need to talk. hey em i realise you may have a headache and that you didn't want to talk but your phone came up with a message saying you were talking to someone not that normal message you get when your phones out of range. i may act stupidly but guess this shock horror i'm a smart person who absolutly can not stand being lied to and can't lie to save her life or job.
in some other random news the stokes First impression of earth is fanastic as is anything stokes related and james blunt's chasing time: the bedlame sessions is great for every james lover as it comes complete with a dvd of a perform at the BBC and videos for the songs, behind the scenes, interview photogallery and documentry. well worth a purchase and a viewing or 50 million( notice the exaggeration) well adios readers i'm out of here to either go to bed listen to music watch american chopper fight my cat or sit outside in the dark listening to music. also james blunt is doing a tour of australian as is HIM if you were lucky enough to get tickets to HIM (it was only today i found out they were coming) then hope its great i'd think it would be. go see james tickets are still available for the melbourne show at festival hall on the 15th of april through www.ticketmaster.com.au one sydney show is sold out but another has been announced tickets for brisbane and sydney are available through www.tickettek.com.au more info can also be found at www.frontiertouring.com.au
well i'm done here Catch ya for real. em if you read this between now and when we are meant to be bowling i will not be attending and good luck finding a ride to and fro i will be of no assistance. might see you at dex.
posted by Debba Fay at 10:42 PM
1 Comments:
Briany everyone got the same amount of notice you did about this shindig, it was arranged last minute and worked. i figured out how to get you here that was set up but like you said to me you had an assignment to do i totally understand and i will invite you to everything. i dont tend to call you anymore briany because i only have a mobile number to call you on and you dont always answer you prefer to send txt. well i like to talk. your in morwell i consider myself lucky to get into traralgon. I thought you knew about all the shit through primary school for that i'm sorry i thought i'd mentioned it my bad :)I dont have the power to exclude you nor would i you are my friend and i value or friendship the reason those names appear are because i was angry i also realise alburee isn't on there and she is someone i could talk to. I didn;t know all those things were happening with ash. same goes for you i am always there for you and to help you if you need it. please just dont throw everything away sick with it. YOur still my friend one of my best if not the best you haven't done wrong by me ever and thats once again why you didn't rate a mention in the post. and i'm sorry you have these depressed moments and that you can't control your crying but you need to call me or someone at these times whether you prank me and then i call you back. you know i dont sleep regular hours and can always be reached, i now sleep with my phone right next to my ear.
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